Humiliated by a Trusted Doctor
Anatomy of a Self-Hating Black Woman Part IV: A boisterous betrayal when the OBGYN I trusted raised her hand to me as if she were going to mush me and shouted callously while I was completely undressed. The damage is beyond physical pain.
I then reiterated that I am not sexually active or trying to get pregnant but then playfully recalled that have been told repeatedly by my Jamaican relatives that I am considered “old” to be without children. The physician reacted quickly, seemed annoyed by the question and angered by the reason for the question, extended out her hands forcefully, pointed her fingers and rapidly returned her right arm as if she were mushing me, and loudly exclaimed with bass in her voice “I’m Jamaican so let’s not paint all Jamaicans with a broad stroke” she swung her hips and dominated the room. Caught off guard by her aggressive response I trembled suddenly and became more aware of my nakedness as my hanging braless breasts jiggled as I tried to quickly recover from the motion of trembling, but grounded myself enough to reply stoically, “Ok well I am Jamaican too and I want to have biological children.” Her hands raised and pushed forward “Don’t quote me , but you do not need to be worried about your fertility!”. I looked at her puzzled. The physician emphatically declared “This is why you see Jamaicans all over the world!” I knew the response from the medical professional was not scientific or in my best interests, but already weary from the seesaw of the appointment and unable to fully address the egregious disrespect I was experiencing, I just accepted the physician’s remarks without protest. “I never heard that before, I’ll have to use that one at the next family gathering” I said. I still cannot believe how stupid she thinks that I must be to even think I should receive her at this level of communication declaring something that is totally not true, but somehow I was labelled a misogynist because I read in the American Journal of Epidemiology that there was a link between fibroids and chemical relaxers. Lord, make it make sense, please!
In many communities of color not too far from the place of this appointment, if a Black woman raises her hand at shoulder level with pointed fingers and rapidly retracts it as she is speaking in a loud and hostile tone, you can bet your bottom dollar that a physical altercation is highly likely. Dr. Francis claims she is Jamaican and grew up in Flatbush, this Brooklyn-bred Black woman knew exactly what she was doing when she was mishandling me in my nakedness. She initiated a fight when she knew I was defenseless. She misused her authority as a doctor to bully another Black woman in a manner she would not get away with in another setting. She was big and bad in the room while I did not have my clothes on, but she is not even woman enough to face me now, this sister is a shook one.
I was treated with contempt and in such a dismissive manner that showed there was a general disregard for my humanity. I am still saddened and taken aback by the non-shallant way the doctor dismissed my reasonable concerns and relevant family history. I feel like I was being chastised for expressing my concerns with a course of treatment she proscribed without listening to me, without getting to know me, without even really seeing me. She spoke to me like I was a child, and that my concerns and my knowledge about my body did not matter, and after the fact, the institution seems to continue to treat me like I am a child having a tantrum.
In specific terms she said I was high risk for fibroids simply because I am Black but did not suggest diagnostic testing or give me any explanation why a healthy Black woman is automatically painted with the broad brush of high risk. Without a better explanation of what she meant, I have no idea if she is lazily cutting corners in talking to me about the most intensely personal aspects of my health, inept at talking to her patients or just plain racist. To this date I don’t know if it’s one or a combination of those things.
When Dr. Francis was shouting and waving around the vaginal medical instruments I quickly thought about leaving, but felt like I could not. It was a cold winter day, I was nude, on the second day of my menstrual cycle, and I have never used a metal speculum on myself. I did not know if the device would somehow pinch or even puncture my pelvic area if I had attempted to get up incorrectly. If I had got up to leave, what would security or the other patients in the waiting room do or say? All I could do in those moments was just nod along with wide eyes in shock.
After dismissing my fertility concerns and failing to offer evidence-based medical counsel, she directed me to put my clothing back on and leave the door ajar, quickly leaving as she said “Goodbye have a nice day.” As if she had not just been abusive towards me.
It was a boisterous betrayal.
Please Sign My Petition: https://chng.it/Cv27KJZY
At first I was ashamed that I did not say more to correct her at the moment these things were occurring, but now I am proud of my long suffering restraint and advocacy.
These exams are invasive and uncomfortable for most women, there is a bodily sensory memory I now have associated with the shouting, disrespect, and fear. A sensation in a moment of consensual intimacy could easily bring my mind back to the instruments being waved around above eye-level before they entered my body and her verbal abuse. The whole ordeal feels like a form of molestation or rape. She never said what she was doing with the instruments or her fingers as if I had no right to give or refuse consent all the while treating me in a subhuman manner.
Listen to Audio of Mount Sinai (Erica Rubinstein) trying to convince me to do a case study after being insulted, humiliated and discarded by my physician: https://youtu.be/vesdfNDGO48
I sent these letters [Letter 1, Letter 2] about my experience and she has yet to address or apologize for her behavior. I know she does not want to take accountability, all the while my health insurance (United Healthcare) was billed, she and the institution profited from my degradation. I reported the matter to my health insurance company and was told that the outcome of any investigation is confidential
Before I reported to United Healthcare I tried to have a conversation directly with Dr. Francis about what had happened. My initial outreach to her occurred within 24 hours of my appointment via a letter I emailed to her office with the subject line addressed directly to Dr. Michelle Y. Francis because I wanted to elevate her consciousness about the impact of her behavior and open the door for respectful dialogue. She never responded. Her silence has been deafening, but also very telling. She knows what she did, she just never thought someone who she considers stupid and beneath her would call her out on it.
There is a crack in the moral compass of a woman that is loud, insanely disrespectful, and uses her pointed fingers boldly only when the woman she is targeting her aggression towards is in a paper half gown. Raising your voice to call another woman a misogynist within the same space that you are concurrently exposing her, touching her body, and putting gloved fingers in her vagina is cruel.
If there was indeed a misogynist present in the room, it certainly was not me.
The memory of the quickening in my gut and sinking humiliation of her shouting and rapidly raising her hand to me during my nakedness, having put my trust in her, has maimed me. I got a micro-dose of what my ancestors must have gone through and my heart is broken.
I am devastated that someone I actually thought I liked could be so unduly vicious to me. The memory is an intrusive part of my daily life, I never know when it is going to pop up and taint a happy moment.
Dr. Michelle Francis is a yellow-brown Jamaican woman like my mother, both of my grandmothers, and great-mother, she resembles the women who bathed me when I was a baby and changed my pampers. My maternal grandmother was a nurse who retired from the hospital where I was born! Maybe I was naive, I really trusted her as a doctor that happens to be another Black woman that could even be kin to me. I did not sleep most of the evening that this occurred and continue to have nightmares.
Please Sign My Petition: https://chng.it/Cv27KJZY
Listen to Audio of Mount Sinai (Erica Rubinstein) trying to convince me to do a case study after being insulted, humiliated and discarded by my physician: https://youtu.be/vesdfNDGO48
Read: How to PIMP a Patient
